The "Crime" is the book itself, the "Punishment" is having to read it

After I told her I was reading the Brothers Karamazov by Dostoyevsky: "Oh God I can't handle that Russian literature! I tried reading Crime and Punishment and all the guy does is walk around the market a hundred times; Id be like 'oh god, here we go again, we're going back into the market!' Then I tried to read Anna Karaninninnninnna and the whole first part takes place in a saloon or a parlor or whatever they called it back in those days, and every character has a pentasyllabic name and a pentasyllabic nickname....it was just too much for me to handle" (For the record, Crime and Punishment is one of my favorite books)

Biggie Would be Proud

"I can't change the world right now; all I can do is try to be the best, most gentle person I can be and if others don't want to party with me, then too bad. All I can do is just turn the other cheek....(thoughtful pause) or pop a cap in their ass."

Forty and Fabulous

While discussing the toll the aging process has taken on her skin:
Sister: "I mean, are you kidding me? I have so many lines and wrinkles now, I can't even walk into a Baja Fresh or a 7-11 without wearing dark glasses and some kind of a cape!"

Lets Just Call the Whole Thing Off

Overheard while talking with our mom about how easy it is to miscommunicate:
Sister: "I mean, you know how it is; 'you say tomato, I say fuck you."

Clenched and Proud

Amongst a small group of friends:
Me: "I don't mean to embarrass you, but remember that time you refused to go jogging because you didn't want anyone to see the way your thighs were jiggling?"

Sister: "Oh that doesn't embarrass me at all. I walk around with my butt cheeks clenched tighter than the Sheriff of Queer-Town.....(long reflective pause)...or maybe the Deputy...whoever is the catcher."

The Equalizer of Cool

"I had to disable my Facebook account. I was beginning to loathe many people that I know. I was logging in once a week and getting irate at the bragging, whining, farming, quizzing and hackneyed, trite commentary - the list goes on. I would comment on people's status updates and they would become upset - but I couldn't help myself - I had to inform them of their lameness, as though I had become the equalizer of cool.

I am cooler than most people - YEAH, I SAID IT - I realized that I am just too cool for Facebook and I simply don't have time to right all the wrongs in the world."

This is Actually Just Mean.

While watching the more *husky* contestant on Dancing with the Stars:

"Why is that girl always smiling? What is she so damn happy about? God, I would NEVER smile that much if I was that chubby."

Germ Warfare

Me: "I think I'm getting sick...here I'll stand far away from you so that you don't catch whatever it is I have."

Sister: "Oh, don't worry. Your little germs are no match for my general bitchyness."

But Madonna Makes it Look so Easy

"I didn't ask to be born and frankly I am not cut out for life in our culture where everyone is trying to have it all - success, health, spirituality, social conscience, a family, a slamming bod, mad culinary skills, a fabulous apartment - all while giving up caffeine and cigarettes? Who are these superhuman freakazoids who can even FAKE being happy when all they've consumed is ayurvedic tea and raw food??? And how can they even muster up statements like "It's all good," or "Have a blessed day" on such a caloric deficit? I think I need to move to France or something. Gawd. Kill me."

Peep Show

Looking at the remnants of her easter basket that have been sitting on our counter for four weeks:

"I'm almost stoned enough to try those "Peeps".....you gotta get pretty high before you can eat "Peeps".

The Symptoms are all There

After confronting mom about the way she was weaving all over the road and practically hitting cars on her drive home from lunch:

Mom: "I have no recollection of that, what if it is a sign of Dementia?"

Sister: "No mom, it's actually a sign of 'A Glass of Wine With Lunchia'"

Dumb Love

After explaining to her the amazing weekend I just had with my boyfriend, she then stares at me for a minute:

"Oh yah......you are totally in love. You have the dumbest look on your face right now."

This Should be the Title of Deepak's Next Book

After looking for a book I had previously lent her The Seven Levels of Intimacy:

"Hey, have you seen that book you lent me, 'the Seven Spiritual Laws of How to Not Fuck Up Your Relationship?'"

Good Thing it Only Storms Once in a While

"I hate the way the rain sounds outside my bedroom. It should be all calming but it drips so loudly through the gutters it sounds like a disjointed...psychotic...retard drumming circle."

Poke Redefined

After starting a new Facebook account:

"What is wrong with these Facebook people?! Someone just sent me a super poke, I don't even know what that means! It sounds like...something I should be getting behind closed doors. And why can't I just get a regular poke? I'm too tired for a super poke."

That's Hot

Me: "Here is the sweat suit I bought for my Paris Hilton costume! (modeling sweat suit)"

Sister: "Hmmm. It doesn't really translate as Paris Hilton. You look more like a male......homeless.....lesbian"

Damn the History Tab

Sister "Oh my god! I just found the website you made: Stuffmysistersays!"

Me "Darn! I wanted to tell you about it on your birthday!"

Sister "It's Ok, I would rather have a sweater anyway. Cashmere."

Kitty Treadmill

Me: "Your cat is running all over the house like crazy!"

Sister: "I wish someone would invent a kitty treadmill that cats could exercise on, and find some way to make them stay on it, like by putting a fake mouse in front of it or something...."
--pauses in deep thought and then says with great enthusiasm:
"That idea could make me a million dollars!!! But not today.
Today.....I eat pizza!"

Outside the Box

Me: "You should totally write a screenplay or a book or something, but you should think of something that's outside the box."

Sister: "Yah that would be great, if I wasn't so busy partying and trying to get men inside my box!"

Womb Raider

Me: "So these friends of mine invited me to go to a brunch with them and I would meet their single friend, who is Angelina Jolie's gynecologist."

Sister: “Oh, welcome to LA! Man, could you imagine being so famous and chased by the paparazzi that you even had to have a personal gynecologist….and even then you would still be so paranoid that he would try and take your picture somehow, like by strapping a camera to the end of the speculum or something...OH MY GOD! That’s disgusting! UGH!! Why do I always think of these things?! Why god?! Why wasn’t I just born with a normal brain?”