This is Actually Just Mean.

While watching the more *husky* contestant on Dancing with the Stars:

"Why is that girl always smiling? What is she so damn happy about? God, I would NEVER smile that much if I was that chubby."

Germ Warfare

Me: "I think I'm getting sick...here I'll stand far away from you so that you don't catch whatever it is I have."

Sister: "Oh, don't worry. Your little germs are no match for my general bitchyness."

But Madonna Makes it Look so Easy

"I didn't ask to be born and frankly I am not cut out for life in our culture where everyone is trying to have it all - success, health, spirituality, social conscience, a family, a slamming bod, mad culinary skills, a fabulous apartment - all while giving up caffeine and cigarettes? Who are these superhuman freakazoids who can even FAKE being happy when all they've consumed is ayurvedic tea and raw food??? And how can they even muster up statements like "It's all good," or "Have a blessed day" on such a caloric deficit? I think I need to move to France or something. Gawd. Kill me."

Peep Show

Looking at the remnants of her easter basket that have been sitting on our counter for four weeks:

"I'm almost stoned enough to try those "Peeps".....you gotta get pretty high before you can eat "Peeps".

The Symptoms are all There

After confronting mom about the way she was weaving all over the road and practically hitting cars on her drive home from lunch:

Mom: "I have no recollection of that, what if it is a sign of Dementia?"

Sister: "No mom, it's actually a sign of 'A Glass of Wine With Lunchia'"

Dumb Love

After explaining to her the amazing weekend I just had with my boyfriend, she then stares at me for a minute:

"Oh yah......you are totally in love. You have the dumbest look on your face right now."

This Should be the Title of Deepak's Next Book

After looking for a book I had previously lent her The Seven Levels of Intimacy:

"Hey, have you seen that book you lent me, 'the Seven Spiritual Laws of How to Not Fuck Up Your Relationship?'"

Good Thing it Only Storms Once in a While

"I hate the way the rain sounds outside my bedroom. It should be all calming but it drips so loudly through the gutters it sounds like a disjointed...psychotic...retard drumming circle."