Poke Redefined

After starting a new Facebook account:

"What is wrong with these Facebook people?! Someone just sent me a super poke, I don't even know what that means! It sounds like...something I should be getting behind closed doors. And why can't I just get a regular poke? I'm too tired for a super poke."

That's Hot

Me: "Here is the sweat suit I bought for my Paris Hilton costume! (modeling sweat suit)"

Sister: "Hmmm. It doesn't really translate as Paris Hilton. You look more like a male......homeless.....lesbian"

Damn the History Tab

Sister "Oh my god! I just found the website you made: Stuffmysistersays!"

Me "Darn! I wanted to tell you about it on your birthday!"

Sister "It's Ok, I would rather have a sweater anyway. Cashmere."

Kitty Treadmill

Me: "Your cat is running all over the house like crazy!"

Sister: "I wish someone would invent a kitty treadmill that cats could exercise on, and find some way to make them stay on it, like by putting a fake mouse in front of it or something...."
--pauses in deep thought and then says with great enthusiasm:
"That idea could make me a million dollars!!! But not today.
Today.....I eat pizza!"

Outside the Box

Me: "You should totally write a screenplay or a book or something, but you should think of something that's outside the box."

Sister: "Yah that would be great, if I wasn't so busy partying and trying to get men inside my box!"

Womb Raider

Me: "So these friends of mine invited me to go to a brunch with them and I would meet their single friend, who is Angelina Jolie's gynecologist."

Sister: “Oh, welcome to LA! Man, could you imagine being so famous and chased by the paparazzi that you even had to have a personal gynecologist….and even then you would still be so paranoid that he would try and take your picture somehow, like by strapping a camera to the end of the speculum or something...OH MY GOD! That’s disgusting! UGH!! Why do I always think of these things?! Why god?! Why wasn’t I just born with a normal brain?”

What a Way to Start the Day

While lying on my bed, admiring the way I had decorated my room:

"I like that you moved the books. You don't want to sit up in bed first thing in the morning and think: 'BOOKS!!' I have the mirror across from my bed so the first thing that I say when I get up is 'Hello gorgeous! You are going to have a fabulous day!!' Just kidding. I actually say: 'How can I find a way to shoot my ex-boyfriend and not get caught?'"

Jackass of Notoriety

Several years ago my sister wrote me an email in which she comforted me during my mid-twenties career crisis. In it she wrote:

"It can be overwhelming when you are smart, healthy, resourceful, and capable--it's a lot of pressure to do something grand. I have managed to avoid this by smoking expensive weed and sitting on my couch...At least you have already mastered the three most important things in life: being a kind and loving person, helping others, and dressing well."

I found the email a few days ago, and upon reading it again my sister noted:

"At least I had a sense of humor and I'll be remembered for SOMETHING...I may be a total jackass, but at least I'm a jackass of notoriety!"

Pump it up

Sister: "I'm going to a baby shower later this afternoon. There is a new trend in baby showers where it is a co-ed thing..."

Me: "That's cool, I like those"

Sister: "Yah but I don't think dudes are so into it. At least when it's co-ed the woman won't ask for a breast-pump on her registry. I mean, please, I don't want to hear about anyone's boob-pump. There's this store on Wilshire called "The Pump Station" and it makes me so fucking angry when I pass it...I mean, call it "Baby Things" or something, don't make me think about your boob pumping out milk on my lunch hour!!"

I Guess There are Still People that go to Medieval Times..

Me "So she wrote me this whole letter in order to give me her advice..."

Sister: "A letter!!?? That's pretty dramatic isn't it!?"

Me: "Well when I say letter I mean an EMAIL, obviously."

Sister: "Well how do I know? Some people still write letters and they even use those wax seals. I'm just saying."

Croc Blocked

Sister's friend: "I'll be gone for a week, but I'll be checking email and I also have international dialing and texting on my phone in case there's an emergency."

Sister: "What if I see someone wearing dress socks with Crocs...does that count as an emergency?"

Three Second Makeover

Me: "You look pretty."

Sister: "Thanks!....Wanna see me look more pretty?" (slowely dims lights down so that I can't see her as well)

A Literary Cup of Joe

"That coffee shop used to be called 'Anastasia's Asylum.' I mean, what a mouthful! They might as well have called it 'Anastasia's Asylum Surrounded by Daisies on a Hill Top in the English Countryside Circa 1812.'"

True Calling

After attempting to sign up for a yoga class and being treated rudely over the phone, she tries calling another studio:

“I sure hope this next person is nice to me or I swear to god I’m going to join the jihad. It's my true calling anyways.”

The Devil Wears Poplar

After calling several studios in effort to find a yoga class, she asks me to rub her back because she is so stressed out by the process. While I am rubbing her back, she notices the grain in the wood of a nearby cabinet:

“Look at that…the devil’s face is in the wood of that door. Look, there’s the nose, the eyes, the mouth…it’s El Diablo himself!!! Great, the devil is in my furniture. This is really turning out to be a crappy day.”

Here's Hoping

Upon learning that I am on my way to a party:

Me: “I hope to meet a new friend.”
Sister: “Let’s hope it is a friend with a penis (extends her index finger out by her crotch region)…and lets hope his penis is bigger than my index finger.”

Searching for....Something

After thinking about her career choices:

"There has just gotta be something else out there for me. I mean, maybe I'm a whiz on the bass clarinet, you just never know. It's not that I want to leave some major mark on the world like Gandhi, but I've gotta be better at something than just organizing my underwear drawer."

Slacker 101

In response to L.A. scriptwriter guy at the coffee shop encouraging her to attempt writing:

"I once tried writing a book. It was called "Memoirs of a Slacker"...I never finished it.