But Madonna Makes it Look so Easy

"I didn't ask to be born and frankly I am not cut out for life in our culture where everyone is trying to have it all - success, health, spirituality, social conscience, a family, a slamming bod, mad culinary skills, a fabulous apartment - all while giving up caffeine and cigarettes? Who are these superhuman freakazoids who can even FAKE being happy when all they've consumed is ayurvedic tea and raw food??? And how can they even muster up statements like "It's all good," or "Have a blessed day" on such a caloric deficit? I think I need to move to France or something. Gawd. Kill me."

Peep Show

Looking at the remnants of her easter basket that have been sitting on our counter for four weeks:

"I'm almost stoned enough to try those "Peeps".....you gotta get pretty high before you can eat "Peeps".

The Symptoms are all There

After confronting mom about the way she was weaving all over the road and practically hitting cars on her drive home from lunch:

Mom: "I have no recollection of that, what if it is a sign of Dementia?"

Sister: "No mom, it's actually a sign of 'A Glass of Wine With Lunchia'"